worst possible date

A friend of mine was recently on a bad date. This is dedicated to her.

Humourous Ways to Completely Ruin a Date (guy's perspective).**

In the Car

Obviously, when picking her up, stay in the car and honk obnoxiously. This demonstrates to her and whoever else lives with her (roommates, parents, etc) what kind of a man you are. When she gets in and says 'hey', don't even respond.

In the car play loud angry music at a painful volume. Shout above the music about your car and sound system. Drive very poorly, paying little attention to the road (and even less to her) and swearing at everyone else on the road as you cut them off. For best results, roll down the window and holler obscenities when they honk at you. Squeal your tires often.

Your destination should be cheap but a step up from fast food. This allows for more time to ramble on about yourself and your car while waiting for your meals. Park in a handicapped spot, hang a handicapped sign from the rearview if you like. The point is to show you're an ass. Park so your door is closest to the restaurant door, and just get out and walk straight in without even looking at her. If she hasn't closed her door by the time you hit your remote lock get annoyed (it's best to do this deliberately). If you don't have a remote key, get out quickly and stand waiting to lock it as she gets out. Tap impatiently with something as you wait.

Dinner

Be rude to the employees who greet you and take your order. Snicker as they leave, and be sure to mock any speech impediment or other handicap. Joke that hopefully you took their parking spot. Use this as a jumping board to get back onto the topic of your car.

Before the food arrives, sit half-sideways with one leg out into the aisle. Give people dirty looks when they trip on it. As you ramble on about yourself and your car, be sure to keep your eyes glued to her chest. Ignore her comments, and if she tries to steer the conversation away from you, casually dismiss whatever she's yapping about and leap back onto the topics dearest to your heart.

Order a meal at least 5 times as big as you can eat. Force yourself to eat half of that, and leave the rest (be sure to have picked at everything). Then ask "are you going to finish that?" whether she is still eating or not. Talk loudly and with your mouth full, and make some effort to spit food onto her and her plate. Conversation should again revolve around you and your car. If talking about your car isn't your thing, talk about your other awesome possessions. But remember, we're trying to look pathetic: insecure doesn't go far enough.

Make up as many anecdotes as you can. These should be clearly false, and should focus on your terrific capacity for drinking, and your prolific sexual exploits (it's best if you can combine the two). Provide embarrassingly nauseating detail (but don't get embarrassed yourself). Your car should be a recurring character in these stories. Other subjects may include your complete lack of sympathy for mistreated animals, or your personal thoughts on the effectiveness of medieval torture and execution practices. Again, link the subjects if you can.

When the main part of the meal is over, order a large "dessert-for-two." Offer her none and greedily hog the whole thing. Eat about a third of it, but make enough of a mess for the rest to be inedible. Ask for it all on one bill.

Obviously you are not going to pay for her meal, and if all goes according to plan, you aren't going to pay for yours either. Leave the bill on the table. If the waiter put it near to you, subtly push it towards her. With luck she'll eventually be forced to pick up the bill just to get out of there. Use this extra time to continue to expound about yourself. Mention your car frequently. Mock the food quality of the restaurant loudly and with comments like "man, those meatballs had the texture of cockroaches!" or "the beer was the only decent part of this meal. Fuck I love bud." If she demands that you at least pay for your part, say you forgot your wallet.

At the Movies

If she's still around, or if you're starting here, here's how to ruin the movie for her.

First, order massive amounts of popcorn and two drinks, to imply that you're buying for her too. Hoard it all throughout the movie and do everything possible to prevent her from getting any. Get annoyed and tell her to go buy her own if she succeeds. If you told her you forgot your wallet to make her pay for dinner, use it now to pay for your snacks. Otherwise you can ask to borrow some cash for food (if she refuses, get it anyway to show that you did have enough cash anyway).

Before you get there, research the movie online and memorize the plot. Give away the plot loudly during the movie; however, you must make it appear that she is quietly telling you these things: "So you're saying that the killer is Mary, not Mr. Perkins?" This effectively gets the whole theatre pissed off at her as well as at you.

In addition, talk loudly about things unrelated to the movie, such as your car. Especially if you see a car on the screen. Make a loud and thorough comparative analysis, concluding that they should have used your car instead.*

The Drive Home

Observe the same guidelines for driving as above. However, on the way to drop her off at home pull into some empty parking lot (or better yet a known car-sex location) as if you expect sex. This would be the only time you pay any attention to her, but it must be slimy and lascivious. Completely fail to understand that she's not interested, but you should get confused, not angry. If you apologise and try to reconcile for this (and succeed) it makes the next part much more funny (despite how unnatural it may seem to 'apologise' for anything).

When dropping her off back home, drop her at the end of her street or court, citing your gas budget. Demand gas money. Alternatively, stating that it's to "keep the mileage down" is even more effective, implying that you don't think she's worth another 3 tenths of a km on your odometer. Urge her to "hurry up while there's nobody behind us," regardless of the likelihood that another car will appear.

Another way to do it, if you're really feeling up to the challenge, would be to actually abandon her somewhere to find her own way home. Do tell her you're going, though. Then when she asks how she's supposed to get home, say "Yeah it was alright. I'll call you." then leave.

In Conclusion

The absolute key things to remember are:

• Never compliment her, unless it's subtly insulting, or outright sarcastic.
  
• Never get pulled into an actual conversation. Be sure to talk about things she doesn't know much about.
• Never hold a door for her, or do anything remotely chivalrous.
• Never make excuses for yourself. You know you're the perfect man and she's lucky to have this shot at a night of hot sex and car talk.
  
• Always be insulting, degrading, disgusting, and rude. Crush her spirit so yours seems all the greater.

Will it work in reverse?
Generally guys are so happy to be on a date in the first place and also (certainly in my case) so unobservant that for this to work in reverse, the signals would have to be far more blatant. Like throwing a drink all over him and kicking him in unhappy places, then stabbing him with a dessert fork, wrapping him in plastic, and throwing him in a dumpster. For me, this might imply that she isn't entirely enthralled by the prospect of more dates.

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you discuss your car.

• Do not talk about safety features, except to mock them or describe how you plan to rip them out to save weight.
• Never mention practicality.
• Frequently talk about how you plan to mod it. Your plans for purple fluorescent lights underneath, once you get the cash, are sure to make her want you.
• Invent ridiculous drag-racing episodes with vastly superior cars, all of which you have won.
• Your car should be a '93 Taurus, or perhaps a k-car. Describe it's beauty nonetheless; try to make the contrast with how little you've complimented hers painfully obvious.
  

*I cannot be held responsible if you get lynched.
**I cannot be held responsible if you are splashed with a beverage, kicked in the nuts, stabbed, wrapped in plastic, and thrown in a dumpster.