one of the best e-mails I ever got:

Hello Grum,

I haven't heard from you in ages! This can only mean one of two things. Either things are going so well that you have no need of my digital companionship; or, and I think more likely, one morning, just before you could put on your shoes, you were kidnapped by overweight, radical Iranian nationalists and flown to South America on a pedal plane, where you were suddenly attacked by an indigenous tribe of cavemen wielding crossbows, forcing you to crash-land in a crocodile infested river where your overweight captors were devoured. Using a combination of luck and a piece of the wreckage, you were able to skin a nearby crocodile and fashion it into a handy pair of shoes which you used to walk out of the jungle and into the dessert--a large bowl of ice cream that completely ruined your left shoe. And so, you had to hop the rest of the way to the Pacific Ocean, where you were hired as a circus freak for having such a muscular right leg.

The circus travelled to Europe and made its way through several countries that were still vying for EU status, with the result that the circus was poorly attended as everyone was too busy trying to look as sophisticated as the English. This meant that you had to go without food for several days, and soon both your legs were the same size again. As you did not want to lose your position as circus freak, you fashioned some elbow spikes out of some soap, but due to a terrible pun you were arrested as an ivory trader.

While in jail you met a strange old man who claimed to know the ways of the force, but he turned out to be nothing more than a poorly-spoken physicist. Nevertheless, he was able to help you escape by tunnelling under the walls. Due to a miscalculation of standard deviation, you surfaced inside a magnificent movable pyramid that was abandoned by the Egyptians soon after chariots were invented.

I suspect that you are now driving the pyramid back toward Calgary, and are endeavouring to install a powerful Wi-Fi antenna in the pyramid in order to contact me before you arrive. It's obvious to me that your lack of communication thus far is simply due to the difficulty of placing your large rod in an Egyptian beauty while travelling at speed.

Cheers,

Joe

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Thanks Joe... the physicist is working on a supercharger for the pyramid's V8, and Egyptian Beauty is proving very receptive.