to: complaints department, universe administration.

Dear sir/madam/alien:

I wish to lodge a complain in the strongest possible terms regarding the intolerable treatment of myself over the last four or five Earth-days, by life in general. There is no particular sentient being to which my pains can be attributed or upon whom my vengeance can be exacted. I therefore demand compensation from the universe in general.

I demand no vast sums of resources or capital, but rather that: my right wrist, knuckles, and knee stop hurting, my bike be fixed before I go 600 km away for 4 months, my dinner cook itself, my two papers write themselves, and my ability to sleep be returned to me. Also I would like to regain the time lost today marking lab-midterms for nine straight hours (hence the damage to my right hand), preferably by having time slow down for the Earth hours of 12:00 am to 10:00 am tomorrow, April 15, 2006, to allow me to regain some of the countless lost hours of sleep from the last week.

Thank you and for fuck's sake hurry up.

Grumball.

P.S. If you feel like writing a master's thesis in metamorphic petrology, I could really use one on the metamorphism and structure of the Soards Creek area, BC.